Smelling Me Softly
The past couple of days have been an interesting exposure to the olfactory nerve of the general populace. It all started when a normal talk-cock session threw up the question of "How do you smell your nose?" courtesy of Kelvin. Apparently I've been doing it my whole life, just that I haven't actually noticed that I was smelling my nose. It's really simple actually. Just pull your face down south, and a distinct odour will hit you. It's followed you all these years; you can't be mistaken.
So I return home after that episode more obsessed than I was before about smelling my nose. It's definitely not a pleasant smell, but somehow it's addictive. It's addictive to the point of annoyance in fact. However, a night's rest soon put this recurring buzzing thought out of my head. Until the next morning.
Kelvin and I were hitching a ride from my mum to the station, and Le Pooch decided that he wanted to go for a little spin as well. As always, he gets over-excited on every car ride, running all over the seats, licking all the things in sight, and basically falling all over the place everytime a corner is made or when the brakes are hit.
Le Pooch also seems to think that when we take him for a ride, he's entitled to follow us wherever we're going. With all the strenght in his little scrawny four-legged frame, he'll attempt to rush out of the car when the door opens. This time was no exception, but he added a little touch to the drama. As he bolted towards the door, he jumped over Kelvin, in the process rubbing his balls against Kelvin's arm.
A trait of Kelvin's: always obsessively examine all foreign substances through the olfactory senses. He took a deep whiff of the remnance of testicular fluids. Frowning and pulling his face toward his nose, he commented harshly on the odour of Bagel's balls. It was obvious the whiff was not well-received.
Like the genius that he is, he attempted to rid his arm of the smell by washing it out with rainwater. However, the balls cultivated an immense amount of smelly cells. They didn't go away that easily.
The following day, I was in the car when the thought of Kelvin's obsession with smells popped into my head. I smiled to myself, turning my head to the left. For a moment I peeked through the window of the Merc SLK next to me. The lady driving it was digging into her arm pits, and then very subtly smearing her nose with the sensuous precipitates of her perspiration.
Ahh, the sweet smell of life.
Till next time, goodbye world.
Impermanence
The week is far from perfect. In fact this is the first time that I've encountered such an emotional struggle since October that has actually caused me to freak out. It's obviously not a good feeling, freaking out. Lonely, scary, panicky. Totally out of this world when juxtaposed with security, happiness and satisfaction.
However, after last night it finally hit me again. Somehow along the way I lost what I had learnt. The importance of impermanence. While some things may be permanent, most aren't. Sadness, relationships, friendships, people, pets, food, happiness, someday they all fade to black. While hope can be a good thing when viewed against the future, in retrospect it is a dangerous tool. Hoping for things to remain permanent when they've obviously subsided just hinders our progress towards other experiences, be they good or bad. It doesn't really matter. Experiences will ultimately show us whether we made the right choice or not. We just have to learn to move on from there. Even dwelling on a good experience hinders progress.
Our lives are just like frames in a spool of film. Little moments captured, little moments played out, little moments fade out. The choice that we make is just a little moment captured that alters the state and outcomes of the moments to come. But take note, for these future moments will eventually still pass, and all we have left is to look toward the future again.
When I compare myself to Le Pooch, I feel sorry for him. His life is just a spool of film replayed at the beginning of each day. At first glance it might seem that he's got the best deal, since he has no worries at all. However, he has no prerogative to make choices as well. I have the upperhand, and it's best that I make use of it, no matter what others say, come what may.
Till next time, goodbye world.
Boredom
So yes, boredom has finally set into my daily schedule. Granted, not that it was any exciting to begin with, but in the past week it's really hit on me that I'm really doing nothing with my life. Prior to the interview last week, I had at least something to look forward to, albeit it having been delayed like an Malaysian Airlines flight. Ever since the evil drinking session I had with Kelvin on Friday, it's been so mundane that even I've realised that I'm not doing anything.
Yes, so I'm not actually supposed to be doing anything with my life since I'm technically handicapped and unable to serve my beloved nation, whose birthday is coming up by the way, though I really couldn't give a shit. They're thinking of celebrating national day for a month. Fucking hell, who the hell does that?! It's not as if the nation's been so fucking spectacular that everyone WANTS to do that. But then again, thinking back to Brunei and its government's lavish ways... Anyhow, I could be looking for a job, though that would take up a lot of my slacking time, and NOOOOO we wouldn't want that to happen would we. I have work to do, but I just can't get started. It's this feeling of laziness and inertia that's got me a little worried. After so long, I still wonder, what is the fuel that fires off our motivation? Is it better jobs, better spending power, better friends, better miscellaneous materials, better sex, better pets, better family relations, or just a better life in general?
For me at least, it's so that I can finally get out of this country again, and see what the rest of the world has to offer. Of course, I still need to be realistic, about my finances, about the family that I've conveniently conjured up for the sake of this argument, and at the same time about how satisfied I am. Of course, sacrifices need to be made. Always for the greater good. However, there's always that little part of me that just wants to do away with all that realism and just go ahead and enjoy life. Taking the term "enjoying life" into consideration, my version would at this point probably be suddenly inheriting an extreme talent in tattooing from some legend like Horiyoshi, Luke Atkinson or even Paul Booth, and tattooing my way around the world. Or if I had the money, I could just travel around the world and experience all the drugs all the countries have to offer and just fade into my own dream world. I may return. I may not. Eventually, the end is the same, isn't it?
Then, once again, reality bites. I have to carve out a career path for myself so that my future will be secure, my family's future will be secure, I'll be able to provide for my parents and le pooch, and eventually I'm supposed to be happy and satisfied when I see how well my conjured-up kids do later on in their lives and think nostalgically that "Awww, that was a good life."
Or, I could really just go into tattoos and that elusive dream publication that's stuck in my head, and actually be happy for however long it lasts. Whichever you prefer, whatever you desire. Any takers?
Till next time, goodbye world.
The Colours That Blind
It's funny how colours play such a major role in our lives. We all think that colours are there to make things bright, to give life to both animate and inanimate objects, to add depth, among other things. Colours no doubt have played an important role in our lives, but another perspective can be taken. A more personal one, no doubt, but one that's startling enough to make me appreciate the simplicities of black and white.
I've had all the base colours add elation to my life through a single session of getting tattooed. Colours represented in the forms of liquor and beer have brought me to the mid-heights of ecstasy, something that's good enough for me at this point of time, though we've all experienced better. Colours instilled in movies, music and books have given me the pleasures of relaxation and simple enjoyment, often not requiring much brain activity. Colours all around us, adding that little extra touch to nature, said to ease the stress from our lives. These experiences we have often paid homage to, revisiting time and again; but just about two hours ago it became apparent to me: it's really not about the colours that we see, but about the colours that drape us on the inside.
In a single day I watched two movies in black and white, and it suddenly hit me. I've taken colours around me for granted all this while, that I've strayed somehow. I've forgotten that simple black and white can also convey the eseentials. The rainbow will give you the frills, the thrills and spills, but the essence is in simplicity.
What crossed my mind was the encounter with the ex. It was simple. No verbal communication to coat whatever emotions we had. Purely a fleeting moment of eye contact. That was all that was needed to bring out the emotion that had been inside of me all this while. It was a simple moment of black and white, colours inside me that had been condemned to emotional history. All the colours that had blinded me for the past few weeks, even months, receded in that very instant.
Now, the question is whether to allow these blinding colours to flow back into sight. Is it a form of protection? Is it a sign of victory? Or is it just the way things are? Will time even tell? Speculate, answer, dear reader. Please do.
Till next time, goodbye world.
Banality... Awash Wtih Emotion
I was really stressed starting out the day, mainly due to the interview with SMU tomorrow afternoon. I don't remember being this stressed out when it came to matters to do with my life before. Maybe it's come to a point whereby I myself know that I can't really fuck around anymore. I sincerely hope that's the case.
Anyhow, I read the papers, backdated and current, looked up some IT and business news online, and I felt much better after that. Yes, I read the Straits Times. So sue me. There's nothing else to read. Fucking Berita Harian?! I think I feel more prepared for the interview, although this might probably just be psychological, but at least it's helping me to calm my nerves.
Oh yes, I made my way down to town after that and bought myself 2 shirts and a pair of pants. So fun! It's been a while since I've gone shopping, and now I actually have a reason to shop. My parents can't say anything cos they know they wouldn't want me to go down for the interview in a singlet and a pair of shorts. More the singlet than the shorts actually. Oh yes this reminds me. I'd better find my glasses; give myself some credibility when I walk into the room. After shopping I got myself a hair cut and a magazine! What a great day of spending I had.
However, all good things must come to an end. Went with the parents to Brewerkz for dinner and a couple pints of good stout, and it went downhill from there. On the way out I saw the ex. It's the first time in 4 months that I've seen her, and considering how small Singapore is, that's quite a feat. She was with a group of people, and probably one of them's her new squeeze anyhow. Guy or girl I'm not too sure, but that makes things all the more exciting doesn't it. She gave me a really awkward smile, and all I could do was register in my head "Oh yeah, it's her. Hmmm. System offline." I didn't even stop. I just glanced, our eyes met and I walked away expressionless. Granted, I usually look expressionless anyway. Fine. Whatever. But you gotta admit sometimes you can tell what I'm feeling.
I went to the car, insisted that I was a better driver than my dad even when I'm high, and drove home. On the way, I had to keep quiet even though my mum was pissing me off by nagging about all her random thoughts cos I couldn't say anything. I was pretty fucking overwhelmed. And yes of course I was fucking crying. Oh well. Maybe it's just that I haven't seen her in such a long time and usually I'm so happy to see her. I still remember when I first got out of jail and I saw her. Fuck. Maybe it's just those memories and everything coming back. Maybe I still love her. Maybe I'm just a fucking wank. Who knows.
Went over to Lau May's place after dropping the parents off and drove like a fucking maniac. I'm sure some of the other drivers were fucking cursing my lineage. It won't be a surprise. I deserve to be fucked. So fuck me. Whatever.
Somehow right now she's all I'm thinking about, and it's pretty sucky honestly. I didn't think I would be happy to see her or anything, but I just didn't expect myself to be that pathetic. Yeah I'm still pissed with her, but at least I could've given a smile. What the hell's wrong with me? But it could've been much worse hehe. At least I'm still getting on.
But timing's everything isn't it. Timing just loves to fuck with my mind. If Timing ever presents itself physically before me I'll fucking kill it. Then it can't fuck with me anymore. Now, I'm gonna take a bath, relax and psyche myself up for the interview. It's a second chance, and I'm gonna take it.
Oh November Rain just finished playing on my player.
"But lovers always come and lovers always go
And no one's really sure who's lettin' go today.
Walking away."
"Nothing lasts forever, even cold november rain."
Well. Till next time, goodbye world.
A Rather Large Inkling Of Ink
Hehe... so I made an appointment with Sam, finally after some mix-up with the last two appointments, and hopped my ass down to the studio this afternoon. We had a pretty decent session, and I must have bled like a cow in the abattoir.
Finally finally got the armour and part of the lotus done. Colours used for the armour: brown, red, maroon, black, grey-wash, and finally a really vibrant and solid yellow. He also did some intricate line-work on the rope for the helmet, which turned out really really good, though I'll have to wait for the swelling to go down and for the scabs to fall off before the beauty of it will surface. At first, I was really excited about the new yellow that Sam bought. It's really really solid, and will be a good colour for nu-skool tats. Hmm considering if I should get any nu-skool done on my legs. That should be interesting.
However, the yellow also turned out to be the culprit that halted the session. Sam had originally planned to use it for the second lotus, as a highlight, together with turquoise as the base colour on the outside of the petals. The turquoise, which eventually fades out to purple on the lowlights, turned out really well, although somehow my skin wasn't absorbing the colours as well as it normally does. Probably due to the amount of drinking I've been doing the past couple of weeks. But we'll leave that for the touch-ups. Back to the predicament. The yellow was so overpowering on the lotus that it stained one of the turquoise petals. Some of the ink probably seeped in, and hopefully it doesn't turn out too greenish. If it heals well enough with only a bit of staining, he could probably just touch it up with another session of turquoise. Cos of this biggie of a problem, we had to stop and wait till the turquoise heals before continuing on the yellow insides of the lotus.
Oh yes, and this yellow was so overpowering, again, that it stood out against the brown-black-grey lowlights of the face mask and maroon of the helmet. Hence, Sam toned it down with some red shades and lowlights. Interestingly enough we were wondering and discussing what to do to tone down the yellow when we noticed that somehow the blood that was oozing out managed to do the job. Hence, the red! Very cool hahahaha.
Oh well, hope everything heals well and the staining isn't too bad. It's a very dark piece I must say, considering the number of colours that he used. We basically played with all primary colours already. Very cool indeed. Pictures will be up once I manage to bother to charge the batteries for my camera, heehee.
Till next time, goodbye world!!
Welcome Home Kelvin!!
It's always nice to have an old friend return from some foreign land, especially since I haven't seen him for the longest time.
Hence, what else were we to do as men, other than drink. Of course, people may try to dispute that, but seriously now, it's kinda hard to celebrate someone returning by watching a movie together. Hence, last night we hit The Liquid Room.
It was a crazy day cos I had been drinking since late afternoon. Needless to say, I puked at the end of the night. My memory could have failed me at times, but at least I have these photos to back it up. The characters in this play were Irvin The Drunkard, Lau May Itchinomore, Kelvin Kerropi, Dodgy Derrick, Terence Who's Cool Now, Minghao Who's Trying To Redeem Himself, and the Skirt. Once more welcome home Kelvin!!
We're Flying! Someone Get More Alcohol!!!
We're Getting Married!!
Plant It On My Mouth Dammit!
Hmm The Photographer For This Picture Seems To Be Disliked
Derrick: Terence, your girlfriend has no tits leh.
Terence: Well, what can I say. More than a handful's a waste. He he he.
Derrick And I exclaimed "Lan Jiao!" For Some Strange Reason
Somehow At Some Point Minghao Decided To Drop By
The Boys Minus The Girl
Kelvin and the Skirt
Oh hell lookie there!!! My best friend's a closet actor! I used to think he was just an ah beng, never knew he had that amazing on-screen presence as well. His head's a bit big though. Hmmm.
Wine Appreciation?
So the wine party didn't really go as planned. There was nothing but wine. Of course, poor KK was mistaken. He brought a 6-pack of beer.
Things began normally enough. Choosing the wine, tasting it to see if it was fit for us amateurs to drink. Then came the really fun part. We started playing 5-10. After that, all was lost. Good thing we still had sotong balls and chicken nuggets. I think it's a pretty good idea to start a little cafe that just served wine and classic finger foods like sotong balls, nuggets, cocktail sausages, fish fingers etc. But sotong balls will be on the top of the list definitely. Fucking good shit.
So by the end of the 3rd bottle KK was asleep on the couch, Lau May sneakily went up to her room, and Dodgy left. Ponder. Oh well, at least Andre came, finished the bad wine and puked in the toilet. I'm glad at least one of us had that much fun with wine appreciation.
Hence, this very much shows that wine can be drunk like any other alcohol. One doesn't have to learn to appreciate it and what not. Bring a bottle to the kopitiam, get one of the uncles there drunk and he'll tell you wine is the best shit next to ABC. Almost the same colour even. But alcohol burns your liver. Don't drink too much. Yeah yeah, I've been getting that from my mum the whole week. Sigh.
Till next time, goodbye world.
I Have A Dream
I had a premonition. This is Singapore when all the gays and lesbians have taken over the world and finally died out, leaving behind no offspring through no fault of theirs of course.
I Will Outlive Alcohol
It's been a crazy week. Somehow, without any control or knowledge, I've ended up drinking unintentionally on a few occasions. The evening starts off innocently enough, then somehow when there's nothing to do, I start drinking. And then it gets a little better, so I drink that bit more. Then some friends come and others go, and I just HAVE to drink that little bit more.
At the end of the night, I'm filled with toxins and I'm about to spew dead brain cells together with my dinner via all crevices in my body. By the time it gets to that point it really doesn't matter where it splashes out from.
Alright, I concede. There's always a certain point in time where you tell yourself, "OK, I'm going ahead to get sloshed." It's always a choice. Hence, somehow or rather I've been deciding consistently to make that choice. Oh well, at least I'm making some choice in my life.
It's funny how there are some battles we just can't win. Just for example, me VS the world, mankind VS alcohol. I'd rather be victorious in the final episode of Me VS The World though. That would be excellent. However, in order for that to happen I have to outlive alcohol first. Sigh, why couldn't they just friggin legalise weed. I'll get high, go to sleep and start anew the next day, rather than get high, puke and / or shit, try to sleep with a friggin headache and then wake up the next day trying to recover. It's a bloody conspiracy. They're keeping the good stuff for themselves.
Tonight's gonna be a chill night, hopefully. It's wine and cheese and carom night, if anyone cares for cheese or carom. Oh well.
Till next time, goodbye world.
p/s: oh yes, we need to stop making jokes about Hou Nasty and nice girls for me to hook at my cousin's wedding.
